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Patience.. is it truly a virtue?

Is it?

Can it be.. i mean ive waited for 2 years for the last guy i really wanted to be mine..

he comes to a realization 2 years later...

its been 2 years since ive been with him....

for 2 years hes waited on me..

love is such a crazy word for something that causes so much pain..

so much anger.. and grief..

so much stress...

hate..

hates sounds more appropriate..

love is cruel and evil..

i refuse to waste more time....

i was totally happy with wasting my time with a man that would never commit to marriage.. because i didnt plan on getting married anytime soon..

and for the most part we were living happily together..

now im living a nightmare..

i get looked at like a vagrant..

he cooked me breakfast...

im not sure if that was just cause he was up cookin..

or because he wanted to...

my heart aches so bad i want to combust..

i think time away will do me good..

hes doing what he wants to do anyways..

he always has..

its me..

that has learned patience....

its me that has learned.. heartache..

i felt better just blatantly being betrayed because at least that guy flat out told me..

i think its the trait of a coward.. who cant discuss thier feelings and let other ppl know what was going on.

But its clear.. crystal..

as always i have a very clear path that im going to take..

i will not deviate..

i have gone too far off course already..

all because of a man.. who had a hole in his heart..

that i wanted to fill..

but hes left me heartless..

i woulda took just the hole..

but the absense completely.. has me thrown.

im off balance..

i have to find my balance again..

i need to put my feet back on solid ground...

time will tell..

who knows..

"There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results." - Art Turock

Its been 4 days since the arguement..

part of me wants to pack my shit and keep it moving..

part of me..� wants to kill his ass.

the greater part of me misses my best friend and lover..

in the past 4 days apparently alot has happened..

and I mean alot..

lets just say "it was written in the stars"

I have no clue what hes been up to

hes doing what he wants to do..

since none of the things he wants to do has included me at all..

and as of June 8� it will be one month since hes slept in the same bed as me..

it would be on june 3 one month since we have had sex..

it would be as of ..

june 12 the last time hes kissed me..

and yet the pain will last forever..

not communicating is so his style..

he has been communicating with someone apparently who makes him smile...

who makes him happy..

i swear..

ill burn the bitch..

im there..

on the ledge..

my foot extended..

wondering.. if i should just fuckin go off!

It only makes things harder..

he dosent get that when i see him staring at that screen laughing, and smiling all by his damn self.. that my body aches and rage begins.

I used to be the person he preferred to laugh and smile with..

that as my damn smile..�

who stole that smile from me..

i used to also be the person he WANTED�to sleep with..

now he dosent even want to share the same bed..

like i have leprosy...

he preferres sleeping in a recliner.. than sleep with me..

he preferrs to stay up all night at a computer.. talkin to ppl who dont give a fuck if he lives or dies...

people that if he did die.. would be unaffected by his death.

People who dont matter..

it was me and him against the world.. now i feel like its the w.w.w� and he against me..

i cant continue loving somebody who has choosen to totally disreguard me..

those thoughts come back to mind..

those evil thoughts..

i guess i will start finding my own places to go....

my own people to go out with..

someone to make me smile and laugh....

someone to hand out with me..

since aparrently there is no more renee and jon

theres is just I..

all alone..

see how lonely that looks..

I.

all by itself on its own little line..

complete with a period.

because im at the end of my line.

I want to be in love with the person i met in october...

i want to be in love with the person who he was in md during the holidays..

i want to love the person he was when on our days off we went out.. and was excited about spending the time together.

I want to be in love with the man who only HAD eyes for me.

the one who wouldnt fuck, lick,suck, get licked.. blown or kissed by anyone other than me.

But� since thats not looking like its going to happen..

it would be reall great..

to have all those things done to me!

Its Sunday and its really lovely and sunny. This is my first day off work after a hard but very enjoyable week. I'm still amazed with every haircut I do how much i still love being a hairdresser. Now i'm getting older I'm finding it harder to work long hours, but I find it easier to syke myself up to work longer. The gym is making me stronger and to be honest I'm the fittest I've ever been and the strongest, so I'm hoping it will be all good stuff the keep me working till I can't work no longer or no one want me to cut there hair.

�Oh what to do!

Do I go for a run outside and just burn a few calories bearing in mind its lovely and sunny.

Or do I stay in doors and rack the treadmill on full incline and really burn some fat off and keep on burning the fat off for the rest off ther day.

I really should do a few weights aswell.

And do I go to Wakefield on the train this afternoon as a treat as I love train travel, but its around �50 or do I drive and only use �20's worth of petrol and treat myself to a new pair of trainers tomorrow.

May be instead of writing this and having a dilema as to what to do, I should just get off my laptop and JUST�DO�IT! what ever that will be� LOL

May I should just add my personal life to my appointment book and then I would know what to do.

RIGHT!!�I'M�GONNA�HAVE�RANT!!!

At what point will people realise that the bible is a book of story's to educate people on how to live a better life as human beings. It was a book that suited the time it was writen and has no place in today's life. The bible was wrote by a human being and not somthing that lives on little clouds. The church has no right to keep churning it up and using it to condem people and to put people down.

I'm gay and if you believe in god then god made me to. And he gave me the ability to love another man. I really can't see any wrong in love ( and just for all those bad minded people. I mean love between consnting adults )

But the church� and religous nutters who are obviously a liitle bit thick and constantly churn the bible out to condem the love that I may have for another man. May be if they stopped using the bible to hate, then the world would be an even better place than it is now!

Omg, I was at the store friday and my mom and I were looking at blonde hair dyes. Ok first of all Im a dirty blonde, kk? Anyways we get this blonding crap and dyed my hair once we got home...

Lets just say it was REALLY bright like sun bright.�So bright it was blinding, well thats an exagerration but you get the point. Luckily this hair place was have a deal. Get 10 foils for $30.00 So I went in and got my hair done...

And guess what?!?!?! My hair stil looks blonde but not SO blonde. I�had had low-lights put in so it would be a tiny bit darker, but blonde enough for summer. So that was interesting... lol

pssst! A peice of advice:

Dont let your mom dye your hair if she doesnt know how to!! lol

Well I�have to go now so tootles!!! lol

Can you feel the rain,

Slowly washing away yuou're pain?

And with every breath you take,

Does your heart begin to ache?

With the realization thats he's gone,

Just like that snow white swan...

�

Could you hear the battle cry,

As I�wished you good-bye?

I�didnt want you to leave,

'O how I�was naive...

�

So now Im left all alone,

Staring at�your gravestone...

�I never�ment to start a war,

Never knew what I was fighting for...

You left me to be with her,

But�revenge is sweeter than you ever were...

Have I grown?

Actually the real question isn't� Did I grow taller? or bigger? it's ... did i grow and learn from my mistakes this year?

Yes, it has been another year.. again and how much longer until those years stop passing so fast? I�can say right now .. I WAS SO IMMATURE LAST YEAR! but that's something i'll always say.. year after year after year.

So... did I?

The point is... I�just finished reading ALL of my past entries ever since I started this whole inbox journal thing. I think I�did grow a bit... in the head. I�understand things a little differently.. and I�don't get up and personal about, well... everything. My mind doesn't seem to... grate so much everytime I see and old crush and start thinking.���� OMG HES...YES... I CAN SEE IT... HE'S.... THE ONE.... which always happens.� Now that I think about it. I�was just being a kid. a plain old .. normal kid. right? There's so much more in for me .

Can't wait till gr.9

Can't wait till..graduation

Can't wait till I actually find "the one"�haha.

So much more to learn

love

blahbee

p.s.

MARK YOUR CALENDARS EVERYBODY

This year... yes 2009... on approx. August 1st. Mars will start circling closer to the Earth and halfway through aug. it will be about the same size as the moon in the sky -how we see it at least- this is the last time it'll happen in the next 200 years so people alive today won't ever get to see this again!�